Present day...
The rain came down in sheets around her, yet she didn't seem to notice the icy drops as they splashed against her skin and seeped into the wool of her sweater. She continued to stand there in the street, staring after the twin red dots as they retreated into the distant haze. A part of her hoped that he would glance back at her in the rearview mirror, slam on the brakes, throw the car into park, and run back to her. The water that had puddled in the street would splash up onto his pants legs and stain them a darker shade. The young girl in her held her breath praying that he'd realize all that he was pulling away from, and in a moment of Zen-like clarity, rush back to her, scoop her up, and claim her as his own. For a moment, she even thought she saw the glow brighten, but realized it was just a drop of rain that had slid down into her eyes, only making the vision seem real. She quickly blinked the errant drop from her eye, but it wasn't clear if it was rain or a salty tear that continued down over the apple of her cheek.
Passersby craned their necks under their umbrellas to stare at the sight as they continued along their way, preferring the safety the sidewalks afforded them to the traffic-laden street where the woman still stood in the middle, blocking the flow of vehicles. The harsh blare of an impatient horn sounded, accompanied by, "Get out of the road, crazy!" and caused everyone nearby to flinch, but the disappearance of those tail lights into the horizon was what finally released her from the spot she was seemingly cemented to. Each squishy, wet step she took felt like her Vans were filled with the gray construction goop rather than the rain that filled them as well as the potholes as it flowed along the gutters. She didn't notice much around her as she sloshed home. She was too consumed by the memories and the moments that had defined her throughout those past thirty some-odd years of her life. Some were difficult, many more were wonderful, but a few were heartbreaking. She feared that someday, when she remembered this moment, it would fall into that last category. And that made the tears that mingled with the rain and were streaming down her face flow freely.
Twenty years ago... (age ten)
"She's such a pretty girl!" She heard the mock whisper. From her perch on the landing she could hear the easy conversations of her mother and her mother's Rotary Club friends and yet still be hidden away from their beady eyes. She was happy to escape their thinly veiled, disapproving looks and halfhearted words of kindness. What she really wanted was to tear off the itchy dress and run down the back stairs to meet her friends who were playing down the street. But it was the first Monday of the summer, and her mother expected her to play the
"little hostess" to all of her stuffy lady friends.
"I'd kill for skin like that!"
"Please, Margret! Your skin is tighter than a drum, thanks to that plastic surgeon husband of yours! I'd kill for a husband like that, then I could have whatever touch-up I wanted done, anytime I wanted it!" quipped Pat.
"Oh, because your husband can't afford any work you want done, Patricia? All you have to do is ask and that man falls over himself to hand over the checkbook. You've had more of yourself nipped, tucked, lifted, and enlarged than my husband does in a year's worth of business. Did Dr. Burke do your latest lipo? You look fantastic, by the way!" The last statement sufficiently soothed the catty jab aimed at drawing attention to the fact that Pat led the women in the number of procedures they had all submitted their bodies to in order to obtain that youthfulness they coveted. Youth and beauty were highly sought after commodities they each grasped at.
"Ah, but the child's beauty comes naturally, and that makes her that much more lovely," Catherine spoke her opinion.
"It's just a shame she's on the heavy side," Margret added. "A face that pretty shouldn't have to go to waste."
"Now, now, Mar... it could be baby fat. She's still a child. Maybe when she has her growth spurt she'll thin out." At least Elizabeth's voice held a tinge of hopefulness. The sigh that followed was easily identified as her mother's.
"I've tried, I really have," that woman huffed. "I've put that child on every diet I can think of.
We're considering sending her to that fat camp on the lake over the summer." The clink of delicate china teacups against matching saucers seemed out of place considering the indelicate conversation they were engaging in.
The child looked down and took in her ten-year-old form. She saw the material of her too-small dress stretched tightly across her abdomen. Her mother had refused to buy the dress in a bigger size, suggesting that if she were uncomfortable then maybe she should eat less and run around a bit more. Sitting on that staircase was the first time she realized she was different, that something was wrong with her. It was the first time she felt ashamed of how she looked. Sadly, it wouldn't be the last.
Hearing her fill of the conversation downstairs, she rose up and went to her room. She exchanged the frou-frou dress for her favorite shorts andMy Little Pony t-shirt, leaving the dress in a heap on the floor. She tugged on her tennis shoes with the brightly colored rainbow laces and sneaked down the stairs and out the door without her mother even knowing she was gone. The women's hurtful comments had fully sunk in by the time she reached her friend's four houses down. She was hurt and near tears when her dearest friend took her aside and asked her what was wrong.
"Nothing," came her blunt reply.
"Oh, come on," the other child urged her on. "I know when something's wrong with you! Now tell me, or else!"
"Or else, what? You'll tickle me to death?" She tried to joke.
"No, just until you pee your pants!"
Seeing the glint in her best friend's eye and knowing that the threat was really a promise, she threw her hands out defensively and cried, "No, please don't! I'll tell you!" But rather than spill her guts she just stared down at her shoes and toed the gravel under her feet nervously.
"Tell me or I will do it, I swear!" At the sight of fingers wiggling toward her, she blurted out,
"Fine! I'm FAT! And no one likes fat girls!"
It was amazing how she'd deduced this truth while never having heard this actual statement verbatim. Children are very observant. And quick. And smart. You don't have to beat them over the head to get your point across. A well placed—or in this case, a poorly placed—comment can change their worldview. And in this child's experience, it was how she saw herself that changed how she viewed the world.
"What?" The incredulous, squeaky voice of her friend kicked up an octave or two. "You are NOT fat! Who told you that? They are retarded!"
"Come on! I see the way the kids at school look at me. I've heard what they say, what they call me. I'm fat, not stupid. My mom and her friends were talking about how I have a pretty face, but that I was fat so it didn't matter. Mom said that she was sending me to fat camp. FAT CAMP!"
"Those kids are stupid. They don't know what they're talking about. And your mother's a witch, but she'd never do that." Best friends are best friends because they are supposed to say things like that to make us feel better, but at ten years old, it's still shocking to hear your mother called names.
Gasping she responded, "No, I think she meant it. And don't say that. Your mom will send you to Father Murphy for confession if she hears you saying things like that. Besides, look at me... I am fat." She nearly whispered as she held her arms out to afford a better view of her form.
"You're not fat! Stop saying that. And even if you were, who cares? I wouldn't. You'd still be my best friend." The first nudged the second in the arm playfully. "Although I might have to reconsider that if you don't stop wearing that stupid t-shirt! What are you, six?"
"Shut up! Jerk face! I like this shirt! You're one to talk! You have little green men on your t-shirt!"
"Yoda is not a little green man; he is a Jedi master and all bow before him. So, shut your face."
"Well, you can't tell me what to wear."
"That's right, and those old farts can't tell you you're fat either. Got it?"
"Yeah, I guess so..."
"No guessing. I'm always right. Just admit it."
"I will not."
"Fine. But it's still true. I am. Now, pick between basketball and dodge ball. The gang wants to get a game going before dinner."
And because she was still just a little upset and feeling a tad rage-y, she chose dodge ball. It would feel good to slam some zingers at Mikey Newton. He was such a pansy and so easy to get "out."
"And, Bella? You're not fat; you're beautiful. Your name even says so."
"Thanks, Allie. Let's go see if we can make Mikey cry." The girls squeezed each other in a tight hug and headed back toward their waiting friends with their arms wrapped around the other's waist. Bella squealed and jumped away when her best friend, who always knew what to say, pinched and tickled her side.
Present day...
She never did thin out. Bella's "baby fat" never magically disappeared. Year after year, diet after diet, she tried to become the svelte girl her mother desperately wanted her to be. Renee wasn't a monster; she loved her daughter more than anything, and it was because of that love that she wanted to save her from the pain and hurt that she was positive would follow her sweet baby girl through life if she were heavy. She wanted her to live a long, healthy life that was filled with love and life and lots of babies for her to spoil. Poor Renee just went about it in all the wrong ways. Somehow, despite all attempts at getting Bella to see that she needed to lose weight, she'd only succeeded in doing the opposite. Bella's self-confidence blossomed as she matured and learned the hard lesson that there's more to a person than how they look or what size jeans they squeeze into.
After years of trying to get her daughter to lose the weight, Renee simply gave up. She figured that if Bella didn't want it for herself then she could never do it for her. And she was right. All she was doing was driving a wedge between her daughter and herself. No matter how well meaning her intentions, Bella's mother only succeeded in affirming her daughter's belief that she was fine just the way she was. It probably didn't help that Bella's father told her that every chance he got. Every time Renee turned around, her husband was telling Bella how nice she looked or calling her "beautiful." He would tell her, "Pretty is as pretty does, Princess."
Renee didn't deny that Bella was a beautiful girl; she just believed that she would be much happier if she dropped some weight. Eventually, she stopped bringing up the subject, but she never stopped hoping that Bella would one day wake up and see her "true potential." Little did she know that Bella would one day, in fact, see her full potential and grasp it firmly with both hands, but that potential was more than Renee ever could have dreamed of for her baby girl.
Bella stood on the front stoop dripping on the welcome mat as she fumbled with the key. She felt anything but welcome. Despite her shivering hands, she managed to get the lock to turn over and let herself in. In the quiet stillness of the apartment, she began stripping out of her wet clothes the moment she had the door shut behind her. Her jeans smacked wetly against the tile of the foyer and her sweater joined them in a heap. She'd come back for them after she'd had a shower and was cocooned in warm pajamas. She thought about how her beloved Vans would most likely have to be thrown out.
With a heavy heart, she climbed the stairs and made her way to her bedroom in her bra and panties, the scene from earlier in the street playing over and over in her mind. She was proud that she hadn't begged him to stay. Although, there was a time when that would have been exactly what she'd have done. She recalled the confusion on his face when she'd told him point-blank that she'd always wanted him to choose her, that she could have been everything that he needed if he'd just given her that chance. She pictured his face as it twisted in pain when he told her that he just couldn't, when she'd heard the uncertainty that made his voice shake as he poured his heart out to her.
She paused in front of the mirror and took in her ruined makeup—washed away in places and streaking down her face in dark lines in others. Her hair was a soggy, dripping mess. She continued to peruse the form that stood before her. It reminded her of a time more than a decade earlier when she had studied herself and the memory of that day came flooding back to her...
Thirteen years earlier... (age seventeen)
Standing before the full-length mirror, she took the time to take inventory of what she saw standing before her: standard issue brown eyes; a gently sloping nose that turned up slightly at the end; smooth, creamy skin that blushed rose when she was embarrassed or angry; waist-long brown hair that, when piled on top of her head, was reminiscent of a crown. She smoothed her hands over the deep purple of her dress. It was truly a regal color, and she felt every bit the princess as she gazed at her reflection. Her bare shoulders displayed the milky, smooth skin that sloped down to what she considered one of her best assets, her breasts. A sweetheart neckline assured that "the girls" were tastefully displayed.
Mrs. Brandon did an amazing job with this dress, she thought. I'll have to bake her some snickerdoodles to thank her.
It fit her perfectly, and she couldn't remember when she had ever felt more beautiful. Alice's mom had spent hours pinning and adjusting the gown to make it hug her in all the right places. The purple stood out strikingly against the peaches and cream of her skin, curving from her breasts and contouring in to accentuate her waist and then back out over her full hips before falling nearly to the floor in a cascade of gem tones and silk. A stunning hourglass figure at size eighteen. Still, as she stood there, in awe of the vision that looked back at her, she couldn't
help but hear the nagging voices in her head that she constantly fought to keep at bay.
You'll never be good enough, Bella. Who could love someone like you? Who would possibly want to touch all that fat? You're disgusting. You're fat. Why don't you do something about it?
They always crept in. She did her damnedest to fight them back, and she usually succeeded. But sometimes, when she was just too tired, or it had been a particularly rough day, the voices would win. Those days were hard and usually ended with her pouring out her frustration into her pillow. Come the next morning, though, she had regrouped and was ready for whatever the day threw at her.
She'd had to deal with unkind people for a long time, and there wasn't a lot of new material out there. She had pretty much heard it all.
Fat. Chunky monkey. Big girl. Thunder thighs. Thick. Junk in the trunk. Flabulous. Big Bertha. Hippo. Wide load.
Bella knew she wasn't supermodel thin, nor did she want to be. She simply wanted to be treated with respect and common decency. Most days she was perfectly content with the person she saw staring back at her in the mirror. Mean people sucked, but they had no power over how she saw herself, and it was her friendships that gave her that strength. The subtle affirmation she received from her girlfriends in the way of general compliments sustained and boosted her self-confidence. "You look great in those jeans, B! They make your ass look amazing!" "I love you hair like that!" "Your makeup looks great! Could you show me how to do that later?" She especially loved it when Emmett, the love of Rose's life, would call her "beautiful," an homage to her name.
She had caught the eye of several boys throughout high school. All had been positive experiences for the most part. Mike Newton, the bane of her existence, was the one exception. He would mercilessly tease her about her weight and had been the cause of many a tear fest over the years. But it rarely affected her for very long. Once, when Mike had decided that "thunder thighs" was a witty nickname for Bella and had called her that at every turn, she decided not to get mad, but get even. When he called to her from across the cafeteria by the new name, Bella had replied, "Mikey, you're just pissed that I refuse to wrap these 'thunder thighs' around your neck." That had shut him up. At least for the rest of the day. Then there was Jacob, an overeager pup who had gone out of his way to show Bella just how much he liked her until Bella couldn't think of any other way to say, "No, thank you," so she said, "Yes," instead. He was her first kiss, but that was as far as it went. The force of her knee nearly made the boy sterile when she'd heard him describe himself as a "chubby chaser." She didn't want to be desired despite her size orbecause of it; she wanted to be desired for who she was.
In truth, all she'd really wanted was the attention of one boy: Joshua McCalister. She had loved him for as long as she could remember, but he was clueless. And blind, and deaf, and a stupid boy. A stupid, beautiful boy she could not get out of her system. It didn't help that he was one of her dearest friends. But that was all Joshua McCalister would ever be—her friend. Bella had come to terms with this long ago, but she still couldn't help but think that there could have been something fantastic between the two of them. He just wasn't interested. The year before, Rose had tried to talk to Emmett and get him to see how Josh felt about Bella, but when Em reported back a few days later, he just shrugged and said, "She's just not his type, babe. Sorry." Of course, she wasn't his type. His type was tall, thin, gorgeous. He had his pick of the school; why would he pick her? So Bella quietly loved him and settled for showing that love by being the best friend she could be to him. That didn't stop her heart from dying a little each time she heard about his latest love interest, or he showed up with a new girlfriend. It only affirmed her negative thoughts when each and every one of those girls was half her size.
Bella was shaken from her dark musings by the chirping of her beeper. Alice.
She couldn't help but smile. She would be Alice's "date" since Jasper was away at university and couldn't come home for a high school dance. Even if it was prom. The crew was all going in a group together, but Rose and Em would be together and Josh had a date, of course. Just the fact that they were all going together was good enough for Bella. She looked in the mirror once more, pushing down the horrid voices that had taunted her before. This time, when she looked at herself she saw the self-assured, strong young woman she prided herself on being.
She stepped into the heels she had spent a month's wages on. They were sex on a stick, and she had been overcome with the urge to lick them when she found them. Alice insisted she buy them, even though they were ridiculously expensive for a high school senior to own. Her best friend assured her it was an investment in her wardrobe, that if she took care of them they could last her for years. So Bella had bought the shoes, and every day she had taken them from their box and worn them for a few minutes. She told herself it was to "break them in," but it didn't hurt that wearing them made her feel sexy. She had practiced walking in them, and she and Alice had spent hours dancing together in front of her mirror so she could see how they accentuated the swell of her calves and ass. She was tempted to wear them every day for the rest of her life, but she didn't. She'd tuck them safely back into the cardboard box until the next time she could take them out and "play." The hem of her dress was shorter in the front, just above her knees, and flowed down into a luxurious train in the back. It was a last-minute alteration to the dress meant to showcase the heels she now wore. With one last approving look, she headed downstairs to wait for the limo.
Renee met her at the bottom of the stairs, camera in hand. "You look lovely, Bella," she told her daughter, her voice hushed and sincere. The little girl in Bella blossomed under the praise; she always wanted her mother to be proud of her. She knew she was loved, but it was important that she had her mother's approval. Renee lifted the camera to take a few shots of her daughter, but paused.
"Bella, are you going to wear a wrap or a sweater?"
"No, I hadn't planned on it. The weather is supposed to perfect. I guess I could grab a pashmina in case it gets cool in the restaurant."
"Well, I was just thinking you look so much better with your arms covered."
And there it was.
And there it was.
The truth, and we all know the truth hurts. But Bella wasn't in the mood tonight, and something in her broke.
"Yes, mother, I'm aware you don't like the way my bare arms look, but I happen to think I look nice without anything on them." She added sadly, "I wish you could have just left it at, 'You look lovely.'"
A horn sounded outside, and Bella looked at her mom, silently pleading for her not to do this tonight of all nights then she walked outside to greet her friends.
Alice and Rose bounded up to her and the three of them oohh-ed and aahh-ed over each other's dresses. Emmett, ever the gentleman, walked up to Bella and kissed her on the cheek as he whispered how bella she looked. "You, in that dress, are making me contemplate ditching Rose." She swatted him playfully, knowing she did no such thing. Still, she thought it was sweet of him to say so.
A low whistle sounded from the direction of the limo, and Bella looked up to see Josh eyeing her from head to heel. He motioned for her to turn for the full effect, and she happily obliged. With another approving whistle, he crossed over to her. "You look amazing, Bella! Those heels are hot!" Before she could thank him, her mom ran out to snap a few group shots. The group smushed together with the limo as a backdrop while Renee took dozens of pictures. Finally, they had to leave to make their reservations.
Renee handed Bella the camera—and a wrap. "Just in case you get cold. I love you." Bella accepted it and nodded her thanks before sliding into the car.
They all piled into the limo and left to pick up Joshua's date and then to dinner before the dance. But all through that night, and for years after, Bella remembered the feel of Joshua's hand curled around the swell of her hip as they posed for pictures, how it had felt to lean back against his hard chest.
Present Day...
It had taken years, but Bella and her mom had finally come to an understanding and made amends. The years she'd spent away from home at university had done wonders for her self-image. Friends and countless hours of classes had built up her confidence level and helped her to see the real Bella. Renee was proud of all that her daughter had accomplished in life, but the road was rocky and the years of harsh words and disapproving looks made the journey to a healthy relationship a rough one. It wasn't until after college that Bella and Renee were able to air things out, but things got worse before they got better.
Ten years earlier... (age twenty)
The "freshmen fifteen," or in Bella's case twenty-five, found its way onto Bella's form and stuck around way past that first year of university. It wasn't until after a particularly uncomfortable trip home that she returned to Cornell University determined to do something about her weight once and for all.
It had been a difficult visit. Her mom had been appalled at how much weight she had put on. The result was an hour lecture about how she couldn't keep doing "this" to her body, and how unhealthy her weight was. Which segued into the, "How do you ever expect to find a husband?" portion of the lecture. For years, Bella had worked to see herself in a more positive light. Hell, it had taken leaving home before she'd even started liking herself and what she saw in the mirror. Her dearest friend, Alice, was largely responsible for that. The acceptance of her circle of new friends contributed to her more positive self-image as well.
The old crew continued to keep in touch after high school, even after everyone had gone their separate ways, spreading out across the country to attend their chosen universities. Alice and Bella stuck together and went on to Cornell. They were happy to be closer to Jasper at Stony Brook University. Em went west to California, where Rose soon followed, unable to be so far away from him. Josh headed south to Florida State, but even though they were fractured all over the place, they'd managed to keep tabs on each other and remain close.
This served to help Bella stay informed on Joshua's life through the years. It had been a difficult adjustment for her to go from spending time with him every day to being relegated to holidays and coincidental run-ins during visits home. But they were able to communicate often with the emergence of this new thing called "email." All of the friends took advantage of their university accounts and passed information back and forth. Bella celebrated with Josh when he earned a coveted spot in FSU's film school, and insisted on accompanying him as his date when he was nominated for his first Oscar. He just laughed and told her she was the "best friend ever!" Time after time, she listened to him talk about different girls, asking her advice or opinion. There was the time she had listened to him rant in a bitterly worded email when he came home one Friday night to find his latest "love" tangled in the bed sheets with one of his roommates. It took everything in her not to cry to him that she would never do something like that to him. She tossed and turned for nights afterward, trying to find a way to tell him how she really felt. In the end, she decided it was best to leave well enough alone. Josh had a very specific "type." He'd dated the same sort of girl since he was old enough to differentiate between boy parts and girl parts, and none of them were anything like Bella. Still, she'd have given anything to have been the one comforting him.
One night, midway through her junior year, as she lay in bed, the voices came, as they sometimes did, like cowards in the night, to prey on her self-confidence. She recalled the conversation she had had with her mother the last time she was home, and she decided there in the dark that maybe she did need to change. Bella couldn't help but think that if Josh could see past the physical then he'd see how perfect they were together. So, she decided to resolve to try one more time to lose weight and "be normal," to make Josh sit up and take notice. A plan formed in her mind. Bella drew on every diet she had ever been on and put herself on a strict high-protein/low-carb diet. A workout schedule was drawn up to arrange her schedule to allow her to spend regular time at the gym. She was determined to make Josh sit up and take notice of her the next time their paths crossed.
"Fancy seeing you here," came a low, velvety voice so close that she nearly fell off the treadmill she was trying to beat into submission. "You know, I could report you to the ASPCA for the mistreatment of exercise equipment." After regaining her balance, she looked over to see the most spectacular pair of green eyes she'd ever seen. She carefully stood on the sides of the treadmill before pausing the machine. A warm, shy smile broke out across her face.
"Hi, Edward," she panted. Whether her shortness in breath was from the workout or his nearness was indiscernible. "You do know that the ASPCA is for animals, right? They couldn't care less if I mistreat this pain-in-my-ass machine."
"That's very true, but if you keep that up, management will kick you to the curb. That's an expensive pain in the ass you're on."
"Fine," she huffed. "I was just about finished anyway." Edward had worked part-time in the university gym for years. It helped pay his bills and it gave him an outlet for taking out his frustrations. He had been a bit surprised when he noticed Bella frequenting the machines, but welcomed the opportunity to see more of his friend.
"Were you now? What's next on the agenda?" Edward asked, sincerely interested.
"Shower then library. I have a criminal justice paper due Friday and I still have a ton of work to do before it's finished."
"Need help?"
"With the shower or the paper?" Bella covered her face, embarrassed by her brazen flirting.
Edward's eyebrows rose. "You'd really want help with the paper? I much prefer showers, but I'm happy to help any way I can."
Whoa! thought Bella. Is he flirting back at me?
"I don't think management would be any happier with you in the women's locker room then they would be with me breaking their machine."
"You're probably right about that," he conceded. "So, your shower or mine?"
Oh yeah, he's definitely flirting.
But for the life of her Bella couldn't figure out why. They had known each other for years. He had easily been incorporated into their little core of college friends and had quickly become a face Bella looked forward to seeing each day. They all joked and teased one another with a little harmless flirting thrown in for good measure, but he had never been this bold before. At least not with her. Just when she was about to answer him he beat her to it.
"I'm kidding, Bella. How about you get that shower and meet me out front. We can grab a coffee and head over to the library. I've got some things I need to do there, too."
"Um, sure. See you in fifteen?" she clarified, a tad disappointed he'd been so quick to clarify. Of course, he was joking. It's not like he'd everreally be interested in her.
"Yeah. It's a date." Bella could have kicked herself over the flip-flop her stomach did at hearing his words.
When she met him, freshly showered and looking sinfully damp, she had to mentally shove her libido into her gym bag with her sweaty clothes.
This is just coffee. This is JUST coffee, she chanted over and over to herself. Maybe if she said it enough she'd believe it.
They walked into the little coffee shop on campus and she ordered her tall, skinny vanilla latte, no foam, no whip.
"Wow, specific much?" he teased then ordered an equally specific caramel macchiato with whip and extra caramel plus two double shots of espresso.
"Wow, high-octane much?" she teased right back. Edward, being the gentleman he was, insisted on paying for their java, and they moved to the pick-up counter to collect their order. A table for two in the back corner of the cafe opened up and they made a beeline for it. When they were comfortable and sipping away, Edward put his cup down.
"So, Bells, you've been working out lately, huh? How are you liking it?"
"It's okay, I guess, but does anyone really love to work out?"
"I enjoy it, but there're days when I'd rather be doing other things," the gorgeous man across from her answered honestly. "I seem to see you there a lot more recently."
"You mean as compared to the NEVER from before?"
"Yeah." He laughed. "It seems like I catch a glimpse of you either coming or going almost every day."
"You probably have. I've been going every day, twice a day."
He blanched at her admission. "Every day? TWICE a day? Why?"
"I would think the 'why' is obvious." She picked at the baggy t-shirt she wore.
"Bella, I'm all for health and fitness," the walking add for the Ab Master Pro interrupted her, "but don't you think that's a tad overkill?"
"No, I don't; not that I asked you. I have a goal and I'm working toward it." Her tone was defiant, bordering on petulant.
"That's admirable, really it is." Edward looked down into his barely-touched coffee and took a different course. "So, what brought on this life change?"
"I just thought it was time. I'm tired of being like this." The fight in her voice was replaced by a sadness that moved her companion.
"Like what, Bells? Talk to me, please. We're friends right?"
"Yeah, we're friends," she agreed.
"Then talk. I may be a meathead, but I can listen pretty damn well."
"I just want to be—" she stopped just shy of saying "normal."
"What? What do you want?" he encouraged.
"I want to be healthy," she amended.
"Well, for what it's worth, I don't think what you're doing is very healthy at all." Bella recoiled at his candor. "Seriously, Bella, you're in the gym day and night six, maybe even seven days a week. The last few times we all went out you've eaten next to nothing or only rabbit food. And while I do see results, I also see that you look very tired."
"Gee, thanks. That's just what I've been working toward: tired and haggard. You sure are some lady killer, Ed."
"Shut it, and you know I'm just trying to help, B. I get that you want to be healthier, and I'm all for that, but if this is about some crazy goal you've set, then I think you're going about this all wrong."
"I just want to lose some weight, Edward. Is that so bad?"
"No, Bella, but this isn't the way to go about it. I can help you if you want, but to be completely honest, I think you don't want to be healthy as much as you want to be thin." She visibly bristled. "I know you, Bells. We've been friends for years. I've listened to you cry and complain more times than I can count. I think you're going about this all wrong."
"What's wrong with thin, Edward?" she accused. "I don't see what's wrong with me wanting to be thinner!"
"Nothing, sweetie, there's nothing wrong with it. But what I don't understand is why you feel you need to be thinner. I happen to think you look beautiful just the way you are."
"Yeah, yeah." She waved off his compliment, "'Beauty is on the inside.' 'Pretty is as pretty does.' I've heard them all, Edward, and you know what, they're all shit! No man wants to look at rolls of fat and stretch marks! There's nothing sexy about that!" she hissed, leaning in so their sensitive topic of conversation wouldn't be overheard.
"No, Bella, it isn't shit. In fact, I've got a few more for you—'Sexy is a state of mind.' 'Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.' 'There's more to love than meets the eye.' 'You can't expect someone to love you until you love yourself'—I could go on. And for what it's worth, I think you're very sexy."
"Shut up, Edward. You don't have to blow smoke up my ass. I've seen the girls you date."
Bella's patience with the conversation was wearing thin. It wasn't something she wanted to discuss at all, much less in a public place with this gorgeous guy sitting across from her.
Determined to get her to understand, Edward leaned in very close to Bella, and very quietly growled, "There're several things I'd like to do to that ass of yours, Bella, but blowing smoke up it isn't one of them."
Speechless. She was speechless. What was a girl supposed to say to something like that? She had nothing witty or sassy to reply with. If she'd been able to speak, the only thing that would have tumbled from her lips would have been, "Yes, please."
"Let me take you to dinner, Bells. Tonight. Please?" She couldn't decide which she liked more, the fact that he'd asked her out or the sound of his voice as he nearly pleaded with her.
"Yes, please." She was relieved that those words were a more appropriate answer to his request than they would have been before.
Edward stood before her in nothing but his boxers and his "I-dare-you-to" smirk. After weeks of teasing and flirting, getting-to-know-you dinners and heated make-out sessions these two were on the verge of erupting with sexual tension.
"I showed you mine. Now, show me yours," Edward encouraged her. Disappointment clouded his face when Bella shook her head no. If he could've read her mind, he imagined he would've heard her thinking, "Yeah, right!" He was wrong.
"You didn't say 'please,'" she teased, the corners of her mouth slowly pulling up into a devious grin. For half a moment, she considered reaching for the light switch on the wall next to her, but his words kept her from doing so.
"Please, Bella," he rasped, "Please let me see you." Oh, how she loved it when he used his best manners.
Standing before him, finally, was the one he'd been aching to touch all night. He watched as she slowly stripped herself bare. Layer by layer, physically and emotionally she removed all that protected her.
The bulky sweater she'd worn to keep the cold at bay momentarily hid her face as she tugged it over her head. Stepping out of her jeans, she left them in a puddle on the floor. Her shirt fell next, and with each piece of clothing she removed, a line of her defenses fell as well. There had been other lovers, not many, but enough, though none had seen her this way: bare. She'd let them love her, but only under the cover of darkness. Bella allowed this man to see all of her. Her best bits and her not so best.
Shyness overtook the bold as she stood before him in matching cotton bra and panties. She'd thought twice about wearing the bright pink set with tiny navy polka dots, but now it was too late. She'd worn the silly things she had on, never intending anyone would be seeing them, much less this beautiful specimen of a man. She imagined he was used to lace and sexy lingerie, and here she stood in cotton and childish prints.
Too busy staring at the floor, she didn't notice that her lover had eased close enough to touch her. He swept her hair away from her face and over her shoulder. A sweet kiss intended to reassure quickly burned and threaten to consume them. His gentle touch continued along the column of her neck and over her shoulder. The backs of his fingers lightly brushed the soft mounds of flesh that rounded out from the cups. He took in the woman before him with reverence. When she mustered the courage to look him in the eye, she saw the tenderness there.
"You're beautiful," he whispered. "So soft. I always imagined you'd feel soft, but this is like silk... ungh."
Timidity gave way to wanting, reverence to desire. It didn't take long for Edward to have her completely naked. He took a step back, just enough to see her better. His hand rested on her hip; he was careful to keep a physical connection between them. Slowly he explored her, relished in her. She was soft, pliable and giving under his touch. He loved the way his fingertips would sink into the flesh of her hips, or how her breasts spilled over his hands when he cupped them. God, he loved her breasts! Their weight, their feel, the way their rosy tips pebbled when his tongue swept over them; he could spend an eternity lavishing attention on this part of her body alone. But there was so much more of her to love.
Lips followed the path his capable hands charted, down over her supple torso, earning him a giggle and her squirming under his touch. "Ticklish, sweet girl? Hmmm. Let's see where else you're ticklish, shall we?" As he explored every inch of her, he whispered against her silky skin how he'd wanted to do this for so long.
"So perfect...," he breathed, "So wonderful. So much to love..." And in that moment she knew that he didn't just mean physically. For the first time in her twenty years, she felt truly beautiful and she surrendered to the feeling of being loved.
Present day...
Bella stepped under the hot spray of the shower, letting its warmth seep into her bones and warm her from the outside in. It struck her that this water, although the exact same chemical makeup of the rain falling just outside, was nothing like it. This stream warmed and restored while the other sapped her of any comfort. She absentmindedly hoped she wouldn't catch a cold from exposing herself to the elements. The chances for rain had been high when she'd left the house that morning, but she'd expected to be back long before the storm hit. But that'd been before she had run into the very last person she had expected to see that day.
It had been over a year since she'd last seen Josh, and at least six months since she'd decided that she wasn't going to contact him. After years of being the one who kept the lines of communication open, she was finally ready to admit that it was time to move on. He hadn't contacted her either, so she just accepted that this was the way he wanted things. Bella went about her life. Living, loving, learning. She'd stayed in New York after she finished school, but moved to the Big Apple soon after. She went home to visit her parents whenever she could. The life of a prosecuting attorney didn't afford her much vacation time, but she made time for those she loved. Her parents' wedding anniversary was one of those times, and so she had found herself walking down familiar streets she'd known from childhood. Streets she had run and ridden her bike down, learned how to drive on, and that held countless memories for her.
It was a shock when she'd heard his voice call to her from across the street. She'd stopped and looked around, thinking she was hearing things. It wasn't until she heard, "Bella! Hey, wait up a sec," that she caught sight of him standing a few yards away. He looked amazing, as usual, in jeans that looked like they had been made just for him and a long-sleeved Henley with a polar fleece vest over it, zipped up to keep the cool in the air off his warm skin.
Joshua.
He jogged toward her, and she unconsciously fussed over her own appearance, smoothing her sweater and pulling her long hair over her shoulder. It was easy to return the smile he shot her as soon as he had her attention. She noticed that the light brown hair of his youth had gotten lighter, bleached by the Florida sun. Josh didn't hesitate to pull Bella into a tight hug once he reached her.
"Hey, Josh," she greeted him carefully. It felt like forever since the last time they'd spoken.
"What a surprise seeing you in these parts! How have you been?"
"I'm great, Bells! It's so great to see you. It's been forever, huh?" His words seemed to echo her own thoughts.
"How have you been?" They both asked at the same time, and then laughed at the irony of their asking the same thing at the same time.
"Jinx!" Bella exclaimed, recalling the game they'd play in their youth. Both laughed easily for a moment before an uneasy quiet settled between them.
Joshua broke the silence first. "Hey, you wanna grab some coffee or something? Catch up a bit?"
"Sure, I could knock back a steaming cup or two," she agreed. They walked across the street to the familiar green and white sign that graced all Starbucks.
"Grab us a cozy table and I'll get our drinks," Josh offered. Bella nodded her acceptance of her task and sought out a quiet table for two. She settled in her chair and tried to prepare herself for whatever this conversation might bring.
"Here you go, one caramel macchiato, extra foam, for you and double shot espresso for me."
"Wow, you remembered." Bella was amazed.
"You're a pretty memorable gal, Bells. Don't sound so surprised. You'd be amazed at what I might remember."
"Oh, really? Well, you obviously don't remember any of my contact information or I would have heard from you at some point over the last year," she teased him. There was a twinge of hurt in her voice, but she covered it up by chuckling.
"Ouch. Okay, I deserve that, but I was only doing what I thought was best. Tell me how you've been."
"I've been great, Josh. Busy. Very busy."
"So I hear. I guess the work of a PA is never done when you live in the Big City." Bella laughed at her old friend and the awe his voice held as he talked about her chosen profession.
"Yeah, well, you know what they say, 'So many rats to exterminate, not enough rat poison.' I can't complain, though. Business is good. How about you, Mr. Big Movie Makin' Man? I've been told that you're doing some amazing things out in California. L.A. is worlds apart from the 'Retirement State'.
"Eh. I'm getting by. I miss everyone..." He didn't offer many details, and let the final admission hanging in the air. "You still talk to the old group then, I guess."
"Yeah, we're all still close."
"I really only talk to Emmett anymore, and only once in a while," he admitted.
"You could change that, you know. They'd all love to hear from you. You don't have to stay away." Bella felt a weight settle over her, an uncomfortable feeling that she was about to embark down a path she couldn't avoid. "Why do you? Stay away, I mean. I keep wondering what happened."
"Bella...," Josh stopped before he even started. He was trying to decide how much he should tell her. He took her hand in his, seeking the comfort of her touch. "I just thought it would be better this way."
"Better? For whom? Us or you?" The hurt in her voice was clear.
"Everyone. Believe me; it's just better this way."
"Not everyone would agree with that, Josh. But I'm not here to cross-examine you. Tell me how you've been; how do you like California?" she asked, trying to stay on safer ground conversation wise.
"It's a lot like Florida. Sun, surf, but with higher taxes." This made them both laugh again.
"Looks like I'll be getting my first chance to do a big film."
"Really? You're directing it?" Josh nodded to confirm. "That's amazing, J. I'm so proud of you. I always knew you'd do great things."
"Thanks, Bells. I don't deserve you," he said and then added so quietly she almost didn't hear him, "I never did."
There are moments in life where you get the chance to right wrongs, clarify misunderstandings, voice deeply buried thoughts. Unfortunately, those moments are few and far between, and most slip by unnoticed or ignored. Bella recognized sitting there with her lifelong unrequited love that she was in one of those moments. And rather than ignore it, she embraced it fully. Long gone was the self-conscious teen she once was or the unsure twenty-something; she was a woman who wanted, no, needed answers. She decided to dive in head-first and check to see if the pool held water later.
"You know, I've always loved you, Josh." His head snapped up, the coffee sleeve that had so thoroughly held his attention suddenly forgotten. "It's true. Ever since we were kids, I've loved you."
"Bella—"
"No, please let me say this. It's been a long time coming, and if I don't do this now I might never get the chance again." She paused to gather her thoughts and Josh nodded for her to continue. She looked down at where their hands were joined, and thought about how there had been a time when she would have killed to sit with him like this. She played with the tips of his fingers absently as she poured out her heart.
"For as long as I can remember, it has been you. When I imagined forever, it was you that I saw. I wished, hoped, prayed, made deals with God, all just so I could someday, somehow, end up with you. But I was never what you wanted. I used to think it was me, that there was something wrong with me that you couldn't bring yourself to love me back." The rain that had turned the sky a threatening gray began to fall softly outside.
Josh reached across the tiny table to grasp her other hand. "Oh, Bells, I've always loved you, honey, you know that."
"But you weren't in love with me, J. And for so many years I'd been madly, desperately in love with you. All it would have taken was a single word from you and I would have been yours." She laughed bitterly at her pathetic admission to the man before her. If she could fit inside her coffee cup, she'd have dived in and hidden there. The silence between them spoke volumes.
That is, until Josh actually spoke.
"I know, B. How could I not? Every time I looked at you, I could see it in your eyes. I'd have to have been blind not to know." His admission surprised her.
"I would have moved heaven and earth to be with you, had you only given me that chance, Josh. I spent years trying to find a way to tell you how I felt, but I was always so afraid to hear the truth: that you couldn't return those feelings. I thought it was better to live in limbo and still have the hope that you might someday wake up or see me differently, rather than confess how I felt only to have you tell me that you didn't feel the same and have any hope of us being together squashed. I've tried to love others, really I have, but something always kept me from completely opening up. I know now that it was me. I was holding myself back, hoping that one day we'd find each other."
"Bella, please... don't. I can't—aw, hell!" It nearly broke him to hear her pouring out her heart like that. The frustration rolled off him like a fog. "You have no idea."
"Just let me finish. I never felt like I was good enough for you. That you deserved more than 'this.'" She waved her hand over her form as she tried to explain. "But now I know that I had to love myself before I could ever ask you or someone else to love me. A good friend taught me that." A small, tender smile graced her lips. Josh thought she had never looked lovelier than at that moment." I've changed, a lot, and I finally have myself in a place where I'm ready to accept that I'm lovable, and beautiful, and worthy." Bella's voice cracked as she spoke these truths aloud.
Unable to hold back anymore, Josh blurted out, "I've always loved you, Bella. I've always wanted you, but you're right, I wasn't strong enough; not good enough. You are beautiful, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever known, both inside and out. But I could never get out of my own way to get to you, and I couldn't stick around and watch you find a guy who was ready for you. Why do you think I went all the way to Florida for college? I figured if I put enough miles between us then it would get easier. I was wrong. I never deserved you, Bella. Hell, I still don't. But, I'd like to." He gently tugged on the hand that he still held so she would look up at him and stop staring at the faux wood top of the table. When their eyes met, he saw hers shining with tears just about to spill over the brim of her lids. "I wanna try this thing, Bella.
I want to see what we can be.
"Oh, Joshua." She sighed sadly, wasted years spanning between them.
The heavens opened up then, and buckets of rain began pouring down, puddling in the street and sending people rushing for shelter. Bella, however, fled out into the storm, seeking the solitude over shelter. Needing a moment to think and praying the rain would deter him from following her.
Last Week...
"Bells, you're going to be late. You'd best hurry up or you're going to miss your flight."
"I know! I know! I'm trying to hurry! Ugh, I hate packing!" Strong arms circled around her waist pulling her close and then he nuzzled her neck. Her arms slid over his, holding him to her.
"Relax, baby, everything's going to be great. Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?"
"I always want you to come with me, but I think we've established that we don't have time for that right now," Bella teased.
"Perve." His hands slid up under the hem of her shirt to caress the soft skin there. "You know what I meant. Just say the word and I'll book the ticket; I'm happy to go home with you."
"No, sweetie. I know you would, and I adore you for it, but I'll be fine. I need to spend some time with Mom and Dad. I'll be back in a week."
"Okay, but just remember I'm a phone call or text away."
"I'll remember, now give me a kiss to last me through the week."
Present day...
Tea, I need a steaming cup of hot tea.
After she'd dressed and cleaned up her mess in the foyer, she set a pot to boil. Curled up in the old window seat of her childhood bedroom sipping her brew, Bella recalled how she'd felt as she stood in the rain, letting it pour over her. She was grateful for the modicum of privacy it had afforded her. At least her breakdown had been less obvious with the veil of raindrops to hide behind. For so long, years and years, she had waited to hear him say those words, and now that he had? She had no idea what to do with them.
She shivered remembering the moment she'd realized that Josh had followed her out into the storm. They were but a mere few feet apart; her back shielded her from his gaze.
"Bella, don't run from me. Please. Talk to me," he called to her through the rain.
"I can't, Josh! This is not what I expected—not at all what I expected! Now what do I do?" she asked, and turned to face him. The question was directed more to herself than it was to him.
"Well, I'd think we would try this thing and see what happens. Isn't that what you've always wanted?" He slowly moved closer to her, inch by inch like she was a skittish pony about to bolt at any moment. "I'd like to try."
"Yeah." She laughed humorously. "It is what I've always wanted, or at least what I thought I wanted. But..."
"But what, sweetie?" The endearment sounded odd coming from his lips.
"I, I don't want to hurt you, J, but, I think I outgrew you. I mean, I spent my youth wanting you, but now that I've finally become the person I was meant to be, I see things differently. Did I love you? I think that I did. At least as much as a child can love another child. Do I love you now? Of course, I do. But am I in love with you? I can't say that I am. I don't even know you anymore. I love the Josh I knew, but if I'm not the same Bella from all those years ago, then you can't be the same Josh. Know what I mean?"
Josh stood there looking at the woman he'd secretly loved for so long tell him that she no longer wanted him. He wasn't sure where to go from there. He had been so sure as they sat at that table that she'd be over the moon with what he had told her. Yet, here they stood inches from each other, sopping wet and farther apart then they had been when they were on opposite coasts. He reached for her when she shuddered violently and pulled her to his chest. Having her there felt so right. He'd wanted to hold her like this for longer than he could remember. Now that he was, he feared it might be the last time. But he knew that Bella had to find her own way, she always had in the past, and he had every confidence in her that she would make her own happiness. He hoped that he could be a part of it.
He felt her arms come up and hug him in return, and his hope blossomed.
"Josh, I know one thing for sure, I will always love you. You will always hold a part of my heart. But I can't do this. This, you and me? We're the past. I have to work out my future, and I have to do it on my own."
"I know you do, Bells. Hell, I know you better than you think I do. I also know that, whether or not you believe it, I do love you." His lips caressed her temple reverently. "I just hope I'm not too late to prove it to you. You know how to find me if you decide you need me." With a final hug he let her go, squeezing her hand as they stepped away from one another.
She watched as he drove away, knowing it was what was best, but that part of her that had always belonged to him ached to watch him go. As his car drove into the distance, she felt her heart ache for what never was. Old dreams die hard. And that had been her oldest, most deeply desired dream she'd just watched drive away. All the pain and disappointment of a lifetime spent wanting something she would never have welled up inside her and overflowed. Heartbroken, she headed home.
The mug rested on her knee, the tea long since drunk, and Bella allowed herself the space to think about what she wanted. Her heart had skipped a beat remembering hearing Josh admit that he loved her. She'd waited half her life to hear those words, but she'd meant what she'd said, too. She didn't know who Josh was any longer. Years of sporadic conversations and miles of separation had made them more like acquaintances than old friends. She couldn't really say that she still loved him. Though, had she been asked a month ago if she did, she would have promised to always love him.
Could she love him again? Could they finally have everything she'd dreamed of? Did she want that from him anymore?
She reached to the cushion and grabbed her phone where it slept next to her. Coaxing it on, she scrolled through her contacts until she located the name of the man she needed to see most in the world. With nimble, determined fingers she pecked out a text:
I was wrong. I do need you. Please, come home to me.
The next day:
Bella had never slept better than she had that night. Waking up under a mountain of down and wrapped in hand-sewn quilts was heavenly. A low moan punctured the silence as she stretched. The tank top and shorts she'd slept in rode up along her midriff and thighs as she luxuriated in the delicious feeling.
She looked around at her room. She was surrounded by things she had accumulated over the course of her lifetime. Knickknacks scattered here and there, old trophies and medals, her old guitar that she hadn't played since high school, and a Hello Kitty stuffed animal that she never could bear to part with all held memories. Climbing out of bed, she padded over to the closet in stocking feet to comb through some of her old clothes. Most had been weeded out through the years, but she found a box on the top shelf that had been duct taped to within an inch of its life. Written on it in the bubbly handwriting of a teen-aged girl were the instructions: DO NOT
THROW AWAY UNDER PENALTY OF A SLOW, PAINFUL DEATH!
Settling in the center of the fluff-covered bed, Bella ran her hands over the familiar shoebox. Carefully, she peeled off the tape and lifted the lid. Inside she found her beloved My Little Pony t-shirt, threadbare and faded. She brought it to her face and breathed in the scent of her childhood. Bella tucked it safely under her thigh, and vowed to take it with her and make it into a pillow. Next, she found a dog-eared picture of the gang. She caressed each face and made a promise to check in with them all when she got back to the city. She returned her attention to the box. Also inside was that which the box had purposed for, her high school prom shoes. Almost reverently, she picked up the heels, turning them in her hands to see that they were in perfect condition. They had scarcely been worn, but she could've never borne parting with them.
With a squeal, she peeled off her socks and scooted to the edge of the bed slipping the shoes on her feet. They fit. Perfectly. It was like a fairytale. But she was Cinderella and the Fairy Godmother all rolled into one. Bella strutted around the room. She paused in front of the same mirror she'd stood before all those years ago and took a good, long look at herself. And she liked what she saw. Soft curves and creamy skin, cascades of cocoa colored hair, T & A that could make a man beg for mercy—she saw a beautiful, sexy woman. A woman worthy and deserving of love. Not just the love of a man but most importantly she saw that she was worthy of her OWN love. A smile broke out over her face as she admired her form a moment more.
Her stomach chose that moment to growl obnoxiously. So, in her heels and PJs she headed down the stairs to find something to eat. She was ass-up in the fridge when she heard a car door slam outside. Figuring it was her parents coming home from the grocery store, she plucked an apple from the drawer and hurried to make it up the stairs before they found her in her silly costume. The knock on the front door startled her as she passed by it. Peeping through the peephole, because that's what peepholes are for, she squealed for the second time that morning and threw open the door.
She flung herself at the person waiting on the other side, her soft form pressing fully against the hard planes of the man she loved.
"You came," she breathed into the warmth of his neck. "I'm so glad you came!"
"I haven't come yet, but it won't take much, thanks to the brief glimpse I caught of you in those shorts and heels, combined with you pressed up against me like this."
"Perve! Get inside so I can kiss you properly without the neighbors watching!"
"Huh, I recall calling you the very same thing not long ago. I guess that means we're a perfect match."
"Yes, Edward, you are my perfect match, in every way." Bella kissed him then, good and proper.
"I can't believe you're here," she whispered.
"Where else would I be? You needed me, so I came. Beside you is where I always want to be, love."
"That's right where I want you to be. Always."
"Careful, dear, I'll get a big head," he waggled his eyebrows at her.
"That's okay." She giggled. "That just means there's more of you to love!"
FIN
